Beyond Discipline

Guest post by Julie Smith, Head of Early Childhood and Director of Parent Learning at Summit School

On Thursday, January 19, parents, grandparents, teachers, and community members gathered in The Loma Hopkins Theatre at Summit School to consider a topic so often on the minds of adults: Discipline. This word carries many nuanced meanings and this lunchtime session of The Inspiring Learning Series helped everyone take a look at the motives beyond simple techniques and strategies. If this post leaves you wanting more on the topic, I encourage you click on the link and listen to the entire session of Beyond Discipline.

The session featured Dr. Bill Satterwhite, Ms. Jennifer Adams Dock, and Mrs. Julie Smith. Dr. Bill Satterwhite, a local pediatrician and Summit alum, began the session with a simple question: “What forms of discipline do you use?” The answers ranged from time out, to loss of privileges, to lecturing or even shouting. He then said, “How great would it be if you never had to rely on any of these again? What if you were really able to move beyond these?”

Bill began his professional life as a lawyer and then went on to medical school and now is a pediatrician. He says, "I see my role as a pediatrician as one who cares for the mental, emotional and physical health of children. Part of this means working closely with parents to give them the information, tools, and wisdom that can help them in their role as parents to achieve the same outcome: happy, healthy, well-adjusted, successful children."

Jennifer Adams Dock, daughter of previous head Sandra Adams (and of course Summit alum!) echoed Bill’s thoughts and described the journey that led to the founding of her school The Little School. Jennifer has a Masters in Education and a Specialist Level certificate in School Psychology. After the birth of her first child and searching for care for him she felt unhappy. None of the schools felt right. Jennifer laughs and says, “I was looking for Summit!” After some thought she and co-founder Crista Nivens began what is now a five star preschool and childcare center. The motto, Nothing Without Joy, has it’s roots in the years she spent at Summit. She adds, “To create is to have impact.”

Here are a few of the key points she shared:

• Dealing with young children can create the feeling of acting under duress at all times
• The most important step in dealing with children is self-composure
• We can’t give to kids what we don’t have ourselves
• We can only really help each other in context of community

She felt a need to address these concerns and issues within her school. Again, she was willing to go on a relentless search. She wanted to find a way to change children’s behavior in deep and meaningful ways. It was through this search that she came upon a brain based method called Conscious Discipline. It resonated with a need she felt to improve interactions between adults and children at her school. Conscious Discipline had unique appeal because it is based on things Jennifer already believed. Her website defines this method as, “a way of organizing schools and classrooms around the concept of a school family. Each member of the family---both adult and child---learns the skills needed to successfully mange life tasks such as learning, forming relationships, communicating effectively, being sensitive to each others’ needs and getting along with others.”

Highlights of key aspects of the method:

• It is brain-based.
• It is community-based.
• It deals with adults and their composure first.
• It sees kids as capable.
• Adults are encouraged to never try to work with a child who is in a really agitated state.
• It teaches adults to create space for kids to calm down. The goal is to move them into problem solving and higher executive functioning.

Jennifer concluded by saying, “ I speak 'kid' very well. Kids like to be noticed and we can do that without judgement or praise.” Children are not fragile and are indeed quite resilient. The way we interact with then reveals what we believe. When much of this is in place we find that we do not need to employ old techniques and strategies.

Bill comments that the ultimate goal of parenting is to have our kids grow up and fly away. As a parent are you helping them find their way down this path? At times it is even helpful to pretend that these are not really your children. This one thought can free us up and help us come to the realization that we do not need to “fix” everything for our children. Our basic responsibilities and obligations are simple: clothe them, feed them, and take them to school. Four key values can provide a framework.

• Love - Relationship between parents is most important. Child imitates what he sees.
  
  
• Blessing - Tendency to instruct and correct every little thing. At times we may need to be silent. Let our kids figure it out for themselves. This is empowering.
  
  
• Trust - Parents that trust each other can trust their kids. Allows families to stop micro-managing. As situations are managed well the amount of trust and autonomy increases. This also can be called, “staying in your own lane.” Willing to risk that kids might fail. Begin this process early when stakes are not too high.
  
  
• Forgiveness - Unconditional love allows freedom and when things go wrong the kids can feel forgiven. Allows parents to sit back and enjoy kids, watch what they do.

FINAL THOUGHTS
Being a parent is a role we inhabit for the rest of our lives. We lay the groundwork and set the tone for this lifelong relationship each day. Discipline is not a single act, or method. Developed thoughtfully over time, it allows daily conflict to be transformed into opportunities to teach our children. The ultimate way to move “beyond discipline” is to have the values and skills we seek to teach live inside the child.


Our community extends beyond the geography of our campus. At Summit we hold a deep belief in the power and importance of informed conversation--and in living in dialogue with each other as advocates for children. We invite you to post a question, an idea, a response or a link. Please join us in this conversation.

RESOURCES

Allison Gopnik: What Do Babies Think?
Summary: Believing kids are competent lays the ground work that moves us Beyond Discipline. Discipline is not punishment.

Writer Alfie Kohn on Punishment
Summary: Kids who misbehave often want a connection and are just looking for it in misguided ways.
There are occasions where we have to give up solving a problem in the moment, get through it, and deal with it later.

Read More......